These are exciting times to be alive. Earlier this week, we had a very important change in Japanese law. The result is that illegally downloading files that contain intellectual property such as music, movies or TV shows can now be given a jail sentence of 2 years. The maximum penalty for those uploading such content is 10 years.
This is obviously a step in the right direction, but we here at the Risible Pun feel that it doesn’t go quite far enough. Think about what kind of deviant would download a copy of a TV show. Such a “person” is a serious risk both to themselves and to society as a whole. Considering the irreparable harm such crimes cause, 2 years is a pathetically inadequate sentence. 10 years for uploading this stuff is more appropriate, but there’s still some way to go.
That’s why we’ve come up with solution that is both elegant and fair.
Did you know that capital punishment is alive and kicking in Japan?
It’s true. There are 131 inmates currently awaiting execution. As it stands, murder and treason are the only crimes for which it is possible to receive a death sentence. Wouldn’t it be fitting if downloading or uploading copyrighted files off of the internet were also punished in this way? It’s hard to see how any right-thinking individual could disagree.
The precise method of execution is most likely to be hanging, as that is what is currently used. Given the sheer depravity of those affected by the new law, hanging seems a little lenient. Perhaps Japan’s lawmakers can look to their own judicial history for some inspiration.
We can always dream.
Aside from the moral case there’s also a more practical reason for decapitating people who download an mp3 without paying for it. This will become apparent when we imagine what life on the inside will be like for those who fall foul of the new law.
To get an accurate idea of what it’s like in the big house I watched a bunch of movies and TV shows about prison. Luckily I have a good internet connection so I was able to download them all for free. Don’t worry. I’m not a monster, I did it all before the 1st of October. Besides, it was all solely for research purposes. I’m pretty sure that exempts me from the law.
I watched many classics, including The Shawshank Reception, American History X and the entire series of Oz. There’s a common theme that runs through all of them, one that’s probably also present in real life prison. Rape, lots and lots of it.
When repeatedly screaming no might still mean yes.
Do those guilty of downloading files off of the internet deserve any better?
No, of course they don’t.
At this point you’re probably wondering what the problem is. Well, my worry is that this law will send too many offenders to prison and so overwhelm the entire system. If there are sufficient numbers they’ll probably form themselves into gangs perpetually locked in a violent struggle for domination. Savage fights and cold-blooded murders will become a daily occurrence. Cigarettes and flash drives with the latest American TV shows on them will be secreted in anal cavities and covertly smuggled in to be used as currency. The penal system won’t be able to deal with the sudden influx of so many hardened criminals. Chaos will reign.
The Isohunt gang square up to the boys from the Pirate Bay
Chilling stuff. It’s clear that the only sensible way to proceed is to kill ‘em all. Contact your local Diet representative. We can make downloading or uploading copyrighted material a capital crime. Stop the madness now.